Jesus Didn't Die For That.

Every week that passes and you don't call to check in on us, I let a little more resentment build up in my heart.

Every time you do for others, or go for others, or attend for others, more than us and your own, I let a little more resentment build up in my heart.

Every time I hear you talk about others, when I know you're walking in those same shoes, I let a little more resentment build up in my heart.

Until hear I am, and when I hear your name, I almost cringe..

Because I've let this bitterness take ahold of me and my joy.

Why?

When my Jesus died on that cross He didn't die for me to sit hear and wallow around in this mess that I'VE created. He died so that I can be FREE from ALL OF MY CHAINS.

not just the ones that are ugly to the world. But, also the ones that are ugly to The Lord.

The hurt, anger, wrath, and the bitterness.

The brokenness.

He died and paid the price that I could not have paid so that I have the chance to change this cycle. So that I can face the fact that some people are cruel and unfair and just down right mean. But I do not have to let them steal my joy.

and what happens when we let those people win is we ultimately become like them,
we become fixated on their problems and why they act the way they do,
and before we know it, we're sitting on the porch having to pull the board out of our eye..

we cannot be the wives, employees, students, mothers, or leaders that we've been called to be if we let petty things take the font line in our lives and control our thoughts and hearts.

My Jesus Didn't Die For That.
My Jesus died so I could be free.

AND TODAY, HE IS ALIVE AND I AM FORGIVEN.

all that I am ♡
KATHRYN

To my future Sister In Law.

I know how it is trying to feel accepted into a new family. One that may or may not be completely different from the way you were raised. I know how it is meeting the mother and gaining her respect, or trying to, especially when you're wanting to marry the baby boy.. in your case, the only boy. I know how it is wanting to be loved and appreciated by the siblings like they are your own. That's the whole point in the combined family thing, right?

I'm sure it's a pain dealing with my lovely sister and I. We literally have a different mood swing every 10 minutes. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my brother.

So here's what I have to say about this, and about you, whomever you may be.

For some reason my brother chose you.
He's a very smart guy, so I don't doubt his judgment or decision making when it comes to life choices like this.

I will probably get jealous of you, because he chose you. He didn't stay only my brother. He doesn't want to be with just me and mine anymore, but he wants you and your family. That's heartbreaking, and frankly, it pisses me off.

But, at the end of the day he chose you.
So that makes you my sister. I will think that you're wrong alot, mostly because you will disagree with me or you're prettier than me or you're smarter etc etc. But you're his and that makes you part of us.

So for no other reason than the fact that he loves you, means I love you too. I will defend you and your reputation. I will support you and your decisions. I will stand by the both of you forever.

Please know, whoever and where ever you are, that we have a lot of memories to make. I've got your back just like I have his and my sister's.

We are family and that's how a family works. There is no negative connotation to you being my in law. If anything, I cannot wait.

Xoxoxoxo.

BECAUSE I SAID SO.

I often blog about my struggles that I had or have facing particular sins in my life, things I've overcome or that I'm still battling.
Not today.
Today we are going to talk about my biggest struggle.

MOTHERHOOD.

I remember one time when I was younger I was getting my butt tore up for something, I'm sure I didn't deserve it but that's not the point, 😂😂,
and my dad looked at me and said
"This hurts me way worse than it hurts you"

HAHAHAHAHAHA! YEAH RIGHT.

Jerk.

Right then I swore I would "never raise my kids the way they treated me"

(Oh my gosh, like I had a horrible childhood? So spoiled.)

But that was actually my thought process.

I also remember the day that I had to spank Oakley harder and meaner and more firm than I had ever done it before...

"This hurts me more than it hurts you" was the only thing I could think to say. Those words stung. I finally knew what my parents meant all those times.

The times when I heard
• because I said so, that's why.
• I don't care who else is going, you're not.
• not on a school night.
• I am only doing this because I love you.
• look at me in the eyes.

Oh my goodness there are so many more. And every time I accidently quote my mom or dad, it burns coming up. Almost literally.

But I get it. I took (and still take) for granted the awesome role models I had as parents, for not only me, but my friends and their siblings.

I am in constant worry for my children. CONSTANT.
I never stop thinking about who they will be, what they will do, who they will marry, will they get married, will they have a good education, will they make it that far?

And my kids are 6 and 9 months.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!!

Why did God put me in charge of two actual human people? Doesn't he know I can barely get myself in the shower and out of my sweatpants?!

And they are boys.. oh my gosh.
Do you people know how NASTY boys are? I literally can never get the "wet dog" smell out of Oakley's hair and Malachi would eat all the ladybugs in my house if I would let him. They are always hungry. ALWAYS. Dirt, mud, bugs, grass, poop... doesn't phase them. AND they go from sun up until sun down.

I'm failing at this thing everyday. Every. Single. Day.

But, you know what?
That's okay. Tomorrow is a new day. With a clean slate. And God's mercy is new EVERYDAY.

That's how I do this.

I don't make cute little lunches with the proper portions of fruits and veggies.
I don't iron any slacks.
I don't read bed time stories.
I don't do time out and inside voices.

I do this the best way I can, day by day, my kids are alive, so that's gotta count for something.

Surely I'm not alone in this.
Just hang in there momma.

All That I Am,
Kathryn ♡♡♡

Bound NO More.

Freedom is defined as the state of NOT BEING imprisoned or enslaved.

The majority of my adult life I've been in or was in some type of bondage.

Whether it had been sex outside of wedlock, drugs, malicious behavior, disappointment, regret, secular idols, wrath, envy.. pain.. you name it. I had it.

and I was bound to it. All of it.
Satan had lied to me and made me believe that because of choices I had made, I was unworthy of obtaining any kinda of grace or mercy.

He convinced me that I would always be a slave.

No matter what I did to try and dig myself out of any kind of hole, whether it be a battle in my head or consequences that I was walking out, I would almost reach the top, and he would be there, waiting.

READY TO KICK ME BACK DOWN.

The problem was that I was allowing him to do that. I would listen to him. I would believe him, all while knowing what I had ALREADY overcame.

All while knowing that my battles have ALREADY BEEN WON.

All while knowing that MY GOD has the power over LIFE AND DEATH. The power over ANGELS AND DEMONS. The power over FREEDOM AND ENSLAVEMENT.

I'm here to tell you today, that I am not a slave.

I'M A THREAT.

Satan sees in me exactly what Christ sees in me and that SCARES THE FLIPPING CRAP OUT OF HIM.
So he has done,
and will continue to do,
anything he can to try and bend me until I break.

NOT TODAY.

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.
and today, I AM FREE!

...you can be too.

All That I Am.
Kathryn ♡

Hey girl. I see you.

Jesus said to LOVE others as we LOVE ourselves, and yet, as women, we are constantly tearing each other apart. I mean seriously. If there is anything consistent about a woman it's her bitterness towards other women.
What the heck. Why are we like that?
Envy. Anger. Greed. Spite.

Ugh. Those are some nasty words.

As a woman, I know how hard the world is on us.
We are never, never, never good enough.

We have got to uplift and encourage each other.
I remember the hurtful things that people have said to me or about me, but the memories that I could never forget are when people have complimented me, supported me, helped me, lifted me.

We all love that. So why don't we live that?

Here's to the girls;
that color their hair blue and the ones that have never cut their hair.
that wear sweatpants everyday and the ones that wear heels to buy groceries.
that didn't cook supper or do the laundry, because you needed a flipping break today.
that went to Target to get milk and bought a new curling iron instead.
that failed out of school, but you're going back next semester to try again.
the ones with and without makeup.
to the one without a diploma and the one with 12.
that got a divorce, that got pregnant too young, that had a perfect plan and didn't follow it at all.
that color in your eyebrows or shave the side of your head.
to the doctor, the nurse, and the CNA.
to the ones that take extra long showers to escape from your kids.
the sinners and the saints.

I get it that we aren't perfect. But wouldn't life be much easier if we loved like Jesus did? Wouldn't we feel perfect.....

You are beautiful. You are right where God wants you to be. You are holy, righteous, and redeemed.

Even if you only got out of bed to pee and eat today.

We will both do better tomorrow.
All that I am.
Kathryn ♡

Dear Agony..

I'm sick. I'm sick of you.

-- of the heavy feeling crawling through my veins every minute of every hour of every day causing me to want to hurl my lunch... if I even ate anything.

You won't let me eat.

You won't let me read.

You won't let me focus.

You've got my nerves so worked that I'm shaking, my heart is racing...

You've become part of my life: My closest friend. Just shut up.

It's not fair what you're telling me. It's not fair what you're invading my head with.

Just, let go of me!
Let me shine..

I know how you work.
You've come only to steal from me, kill me, destroy me...

There is a place for you.
and it's not here with me..

I've been to Hell and back, I've not come this far and fought this hard, to let you take me down with you.

my God is bigger than you.
Bigger than me.

Bigger Than This.

So. Let go of me.

You will soon be a small, small, part of my story and how I've OVERCOME every single thing Satan puts in my way because my God is SO MUCH BIGGER.

Get outta here with that crap.

With All That I Am,
Kathryn ♡ ♡

Stereotypes. I get it. Kinda.

We've all profiled someone based on how they dress, talk, walk... 

Sometimes, it's good to do that. I get it. We need to be aware of our surroundings for our safety.

What I don't get is putting someone in a specific category based on their hair cut, their tattoos, their braces, their sense of style.

Why do we as a society accept the Jock and the Cheerleader but turn our heads to the hippie or the biker?

Given the stereotypical reputation of jocks and cheerleaders, (saying this knowing my husband and I were these things) we see that they party, have sex, smoke pot, make bad grades...

AS WELL AS THE STEREOTYPE FOR BIKERS, TATTOO ARTISTS, REDNECKS, FRAT BOYS.

So why is one group of SINNERS accepted and the others are not?..

As a church we turn a blind eye to people because they are different. We think they are lost, or broken, or full of hate and dark nasty sins, when maybe they just like that style.

Maybe they are a better Christian than you.

We wouldn't know because they aren't wearing Chacos and comfort colors. So we don't talk to them.

Instead. We judge them.

We all fight the same demons. Some have been exposed. Some people get caught. Some hide it away.

We are all sinners.

John 3 17.
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

And if the whole point in the Gospel is to be Christ like and spend the word of Salvation.... why are we condemning instead of accepting?

With All That I Am,

Kathryn.