THE STRUGGLE, YALL. It's real.

Recently I took my Facebook account off of my phone so that I wouldn't be tempted to get on it.
I did this for one reason only.

I have a HUGE problem with anxiety. I have this problem in my head where I will look at everyone's beautifully put together life on social media and compare it to mine.
What have I done? Where am I? Why does she have that? Why are they proud of her? Why is no one proud of me? Why do we struggle? Who are they to get to do that? Why can't I do that? Why do they deserve that God?
Basically, I get a horrible case of the "poor me's".
WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT!!
It gets to the point where I actually get mad at the people that have their life together?! WHAT? WHY?
it's not their fault that I made bad decisions and they didn't, or I made people mad and they didn't?
Also, how am I supposed to know that those women aren't feeling just as inadequate as I am?

As stupid as it may sound to some of you, it really hurts me in my walk and completely ruins my day. Completely.
It physically will make me sick.
It's stupid. But it's real.

And, you see.
This is what the enemy does.
He attacks us where we are weak.
I am absolutely fine in my past, I'm fine in sharing that I was pregnant early, or I used drugs, or any of the horrible ugly things I've done that the world would think I should be ashamed of.
But, it's where I have failed, or dissapointed or not followed my dreams that someone else has achieved that get me.
Which is stupid. And Satan knows that hurts me. So he uses every tool he can to rub it in my face.

But, as a woman that has such an ugly past and that tries so hard, I should NOT BE hurt by others? I should be encouraged by the strength of others? I should be proud of the others mom's that try just as hard, or harder to follow what God has called them to do, I should be their number one cheerleader!?

But, I'm not because I'm jealous that they got a new purse before I did? Say that out loud and tell me how stupid it sounds.

Social media can be used for so much good. And I love to tell the world about MY accomplishments and MY boys. But, when the coin is flipped why does it bother me?

I think my fruit tree may need some pruning.

Satan has been all over me lately and I have tried so hard to fight the urge to give in. I felt like just telling the truth would be a slap in his face.

I ask, from the bottom of my heart, for everyone to pray with me to stop feeling so attacked by myself so that I can be a better leader, a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, and a better christian.

That's all I'm here for.

All That I Am..
Kathryn ♡♡